Another Day, Another???

Most people start their blogs off by saying Hello or using some form of greeting. I find it one of the akward things, both seeing it and doing it. But on the other hand you just don't want to dive right in and start talking, now do you.

 So I think I will just start of with some type of word type image of a saying that means something, or that I think small will benefit from. Sound like a plan, I guess we shall see how that works out.

This. Seriously seems like this house some days. Some days it is all about the drama and how to make a BFD out of every damn thing. Sigh but moving forward. 

Let me bitch about my job and hours for a moment. I work 3rd. I know I have stated this before. But just for reference the only good thing about 3rd is the only people I normally have to deal with our drunks. Oh the stories I could tell. But that's not my problem. My problem is that I don't feel like I'm accomplishing a damn thing. So my dilema is this. Do I lose sleep to get shit done, or do I sleep and not get shit done. Some days it's easy. I wake up, feeling rested and I get up early, not early enough for some stores and businesses but early nonetheless to get things done around the house and spend some time with the family. I try to make all my normal business actions for my 2nd day off.  That way I've had some sleep, I can be awake and interact with people without me wanting to kill anyone. So what to do. I don't know but I am trying. I'm trying so hard, I feel like I'm spinning wheels. My productivity has declined. I've been knitting the same hat for over a month now, I've lost my mojo. I used to be able to do all the thingz and still knit. What the heck am I going to do in the fall when school starts. Then I'll have assignments, and homework, Test, Quizzes, everything that goes along with college life. And that's just me. Small will be in 4th grade and she will have all that stuff, and I will need to stay on top of things to help her be successful. It stresses me out just thinking about it.  I've done the math, people who work 9-5 jobs, and go to bed at a normal hour, have between 5 and 7 hours a day that they are not at work or not sleeping. How do I use those hours to my benefit. I can't stay up later after I get home from work, as that would take away from my evening hours with small and that is not acceptable. What to do What to do. So that aside

Lets talk about SPD and what we are doing. NOTHING. a big fat nothing. I bought her a weighted blanket this week. It's summer and pretty damn warm here. I'm afraid we are going to have to turn on the ac just so she is cool enough to use it. We currently have fans running in all the rooms, just to keep it a decent temperature. But I need to see if this blanket is working, and I don't know how to do that. She says she sleeps with it and she seems to be sleeping longer and waking up more restful. So those are seeming like benefits. I will take it. We are at a crossroads, group therapy is ending and we need to decide if we are going to continue with individual therapy or try to go it on our own for awhile. The internet is a great resource, but small has a hard time taking direction and instruction from us. So the questions I've been tossing around is do I shell out for more therapy, and keep my fingers crossed that we see improvement over this year, and not build a sensory play area for her hear at the house. Do I pay for both the play area and therapy, or do I just build the play area and hope she uses it. Another thing I need to find an answer to is how to get her to practice. She plays a sport. She hates to practice, and she has no friends that can practice with her as they don't play this sport. That's another what to do situation.  Some days I feel as that all I have are what to do situations, and I don't fucking know what to do. Nothing I do some days feel likes it's going to be enough or the right thing. 

Aghhhhhhhhhhh

So that is life at the bottom right now. 

Be most excellent to each other.                                                                                                                    

Day One: the bottom

Oh the things you find. I don't normally write or talk much. I am not a very social person. I just can't get into the whole, talk, share, and explain with other people. Either I don't care enough or I don't think the other people care enough. Which leads to much introverting and avoidance of the general public. Now the small is the exact opposite of me. She needs the social interaction, lives for it, thrives on it. So there is thought number 1. Thought number 2 comes from that feeling of being at the bottom barrel, well if were going to be honest we are below the bottom of the barrel. We are so far below it, we can see China from the hole we are in. Which leads to thought number 3, what you find at the bottom.

Today it was the small things, like a nap. We both took one. Small and I. She really needed it, because well TIRED and I needed one because I work 3rd shift and Tired.  I figured out somethings, laying there watching my small, sleep. Even though, I think and feel like I've hit the bottom, I haven't. No one is dead yet or in Jail. It's the small things.

But really since this is the first post there should be some sort of background right. The Who's, the What's and the Why's so to speak.

Let me introduce my cast of characters. There's me, I'm mom, or Auntie M depending on who you talk too ( I'm sure there are more names, but we will save them for polite company), next is Bunny the other half to my parenting DUO. He is the rock in this whirlpool, also the keeper of my sanity, and the reminder that in reality and in my brain are two separate things. Next on the list is Small. My mini me, she is just a smaller version of me if we are honest with each other. In looks, attitude and mouth. Finally we have the animals or the zoo as they are referred to enmass. The pup is RVD (the Von Dork) plus the Cats, Norris, Belle, and Fee the basement Kitty.  Assorted fish and snails. Plus all the plants small and I grow.

Now that you have the names, let's go over the diagnosis. Because let's be honest, it's the reason why I am writing this. I need a place to vent, talk, discuss and just honestly let it all out (refer back to the anti-social problem). I have ADHD, OCD, Manic Compulsive Disorder, and multiple Traumatic brain injuries. I also have zero filter on my mouth. I don't lie for any reason, and cuss like there is no tomorrow. Forewarned is Forearmed right.

Now small is my special case. She was diagnosed with an extreme case of Frontal Lobe Disorder, and the is the umbrella label. Let's break that down even more, she has SPD (sensory processing disorder), ADHD (unmedicated), OCD, Speech Delay, Insomnia, Dyslexia (non-number related), ODD, Impulse Control Disorder, Auditory Processing Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and some sort of Reading issue that we are still testing for. With that list of things, no wonder I find the bottom of a barrel almost weekly.

I believe that covers the W's and back today shall we.

I let small have a sleepover last night (summer vacation and all). I don't let her do this often as sleep and Medicine schedule is very important. She wasn't gone far, just a few doors down to her friends house, as that is as comfortable as I can get right now. Normally on these nights, she gets next to no sleep. Which is expected it's a sleepover after all. But it makes for a very rough day following it, she is super tired, which makes all the issues she has seem a thousand time worse. I decided after melt down number bazillion that we were both going to take a nap. Instead  of forbidding sleep overs, which after the first few times this happened was my natural instinct, take away the cause and it can't happen can it. But that wouldn't be fair to anyone, and she has enough things holding her back, I shouldn't hold her back too. So nap it is. I gave her the option of laying down in my bed (which is a special treat as I don't let her sleep in my bed unless we are both sick) I'm a firm believer in boundaries and my bed is one of those boundaries. We snuggle on the couch all the time. I'm not denying her the comfort or the snuggles, it's just not in my bed.

But today was one of those days that I think we both needed it. So off we both go, we got into our comfiest set of jammies and went to lay down. I sleep during the day all the time, as I work 3rd shift ( I changed my scheduled so I could have more daytime hours for appointments, Drs, therapies, sports, etc.) so my bedroom is the best place in the house for daytime sleeping. Into bed we climb, turn off the lights, turn on the Fan (a must for my sleeping) and snuggled under the covers, we talked for a minute or two about why we are napping and how to fix the grumpies, and then we both rolled over, as were both stomach sleepers to fall asleep. That's when I noticed, it she fidgets even in her sleep. It takes awhile for her to drift off, today she was rubbing her legs and feet together as if she was itchy. She would move her legs and arms up and down, under and over the pillow. After about 10 mins of doing this, I was ready to lose it, and banish her from the bed. But then I remembered that we both needed this, so I tried to think of a way to get her to calm long enough to fall asleep and that's when it came to me. She started a new OT program this week, and we had talked about firm pressure and weight might be a good thing to try to calm her. So that's what I did. I placed my leg over her legs and then my hand on her back with a firm pressure, enough that is was there, but not enough to be restrictive. Lo and Behold, homefry was asleep within 5 mins.

Who would have thought, we could have been doing this for years and she would have better sleep. Sometimes, I wonder why stuff isn't brought up earlier, I mean come on, everytime I bitch and complain about lack of sleep in this house, why hasn't anyone said, have you tried xyz and I can answer with a yes or no. If the answer is no well damn it I'm willing to try. And why am I willing to try just about anything because I spend so much time at the bottom of the barrel, it can only get better right.

But this brings me back to what I find at the bottom, which today is the little things. This little thing of adding weight to her so she can sleep better, and I found it and am willing to try it out while she sleeps in her own bed. Dr. Google is my friend and I started researching weighted blankets. And these things are things, BFD things. Like why haven't you been using these all along things. I'll tell you why I haven't been using them, because NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME (oh yeah by the way I cuss, get over it), they haven't suggested it, brought it up, NOTHING. Which of course makes me angry, but I will get over it. I found a pattern for weighted blankets, I have a choice, make it my damn self, buy it on Etsy or order one from her therapy center as the owner makes them. Since my sewing skills are less then stellar though I keep trying. I might suck it up and try making it, unless of course I can buy and 8lb blanket then I can make it. But my cost of labor is a little different then most. I include my sanity it the cost of making things.

So that is what I found at the bottom today. How bout you? Did you find anything.

Until Next time. Namaste Bitches.